Dusting myself off

My mom tried to let my dad come visit us but he would end up yelling at her and she wouldn't stand for that. So we didn't see him that often. Life was developing a new pattern and I didn't mind. I started piano lessons once more adding to my sense of normalcy and relaxation. I didn't join any clubs at school because I was too shy and uncomfortable with the whole idea. My day consisted of going to school and going home to watch my younger sisters. Sometimes I would go to a friend's house if my brother was going to be home. I was making a few friends in my class but more in the grade below me. I soon realized that this was a bit of a social faux-pas but I continued nonetheless. I never told anyone what was going on at home because my dad had drilled the mantra of "family problems don't need to go outside of the family circle" ever so deeply into my mind. I think that I thought that no one would be able to understand the situation and would judge us.

I can't remember much else about the autumn of that year. I'm pretty sure that I was very cold towards my dad when we went to visit him. I would glare and cry and say basically nothing at all. My brother did the same because I was the oldest after all. My dad could hardly handle a visit because he was very depressed and still recovering from his nervous break down. He could have a conversation for about 20 minutes and then he was mentally exhausted. Everything had to be spelled out with lots of detail in order for him to follow the story. A very frustrating undertaking indeed so I would just wait it out until he had to go lie down for awhile.

First day of school

My siblings and I had never been a part of the public school, not even pre-school or kindergarten as some home-schoolers had done. I was super excited; I had only read in fictional books what school would be like. I was nervous and shy. I knew a few people in my class from youth group but of course they ignored for the most part since I was the new kid and they all had their friends. My clingy friend was in my class and I was happy for that. I made friends pretty quick though. I remember sitting down to homeroom and the person behind me introduced herself and said we should decorate my binders because they were pretty plain (being brand-spanking new). One of the biggest adjustments for me was figuring what the teachers expected for homework assignments. I went overboard when answering questions, I would write paragraphs when a sentence was all that was needed. I struggled at keeping up when copying notes off of the board because I was used to having all the time I wanted to write slowly and neatly. I think it was during the first week of school, I got the dreaded call down to the counsellor's office during class. I was panicked; I thought my mom had set up the appointment since she was worried about how we were coping with the separation and starting school. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on at home and the thought that a stranger knew was enough to make me want to puke. I went to the counsellor's office and it turned out that she just wanted to chat since I was a new student (it was a very small school). I told her everything was fine and I don't believe I told her anything about my family life. I was excelling in my classes despite my mom's doubts that our home-schooling was effective and comparable to our grade level. I was even a little bit ahead in math and that made me feel really good. I did not understand the concept of marking and grades haha. I was on the honour roll even though I had no idea what that meant even when my teacher tried to explain it to me. I liked being in a place with people my own age to interact with and to escape from my family life for just a few hours.

And the tug-of-war continues

My siblings tried telling my mom that they had wanted to spend time with my dad and that he didn't virtually kidnap them. My mom was on high alert though and would not listen to anything my siblings said. There are two times in particular that my mom had gone to take back my siblings and neither time was I present. So I am a bit shaky on the details or which event happened first, each event has been retold to me though many times. I think this particular time was when my mom brought her sister with her to my grandma's house where my dad was living. My siblings were just watching TV with my dad but my mom tried to drag them off the couch and tell them they had to go with her. My siblings said they wanted to stay but she wouldn't have any of it. Her sister stayed outside the house and was yelling at my dad and my grandma was distraught, wringing her hands because they were having a scene all over her yard for the neighbours to see. My mom's sister called the cops too. My mom dried to drive away my dad's car. When the cops arrived, they said my mom and aunt were the ones in the wrong for trespassing or something. I believe my siblings went with my mom. I don't agree with what my mom did but I was also didn't like what my dad either. I chose at the time to take my mom's side because, well, I was living with her and I didn't want to be on her bad side.
I had another set of adjustments on the horizon with the school year fast approaching.

April showers..

It was a tense winter living in a trailer. Everyone was underfoot no matter where they went. My parents were more and more hostile towards each other. Finally, my mom put her foot down and told my dad to leave. She had us kids, she had a place to live, she had a job and she had the support of people she met in town. Needless to say my dad was extremely unhappy with this proposition. I remember him waking me up one morning, telling me that my mom was kicking him out. He asked if I wanted him to try find a place to live nearby so he could still see us and if I would live with him and being the bitter adolescent I was, I said no I don't want you to live nearby, I don't want to live you and I believe I even said I don't love you. Talk about a deadly blow; no parent wants their child to say "I don't love you". He slapped me in the face and stormed out of the house. Don't judge him for that people. I was able to see a different side of him when I didn't have him constantly telling me what was wrong with the situation; he blamed my mom for everything. He never saw fault with his own actions or words, he would justify everything. But like I said, taking a step back and having a more objective view made me bitter and angry at him.
My siblings and I still went to camp near our old home and my dad made a point of showing up nearly everyday to see us and talk to us. Most kids don't want to see their parents that whole week they are at camp; they just want to have fun with their friends. I would hide in the girls' dorm when someone would tell me that my dad was there. And I would only leave when I had a different activity to attend and only in a group of my friends. He was not happy with me.
When my mom was at work, he would come to the trailer and try to visit with us but she caught him there and called the police and said he was not allowed on the property. Fun times... My mom tried to be accommodating and let my dad see us. She said he could take us to an event in the city. I refused to go, I didn't want to spend time with him. My other 3 siblings went with him for the day. Or so they thought. My dad didn't bring them home when the event was over. He called my mom from a pay-phone and told her he was taking them back to our old home for the weekend. Since that was not part of the original agreement, my mom was livid. I was angry too. I was mad at myself for not going and protecting my siblings and being there to challenge my dad. I was sick at this time too; I had muscle aches, sensitivity to light, vomiting, exhaustion, etc. My mom went to fetch my siblings and I went along but stayed at my other grandma's house.

Hope waning

My new friend turned out to be very needy and clingy. Not exactly what I needed but I was happy to have a friend so I did my best to be her friend and be there for her. I was used to being there for others and taking care of them, it was all I knew. It didn't bother me at the time.

We worked on our schoolwork in the mornings as usual and we would read in the afternoons. Or something like that, it's a bit hazy in my memory. My dad was still not himself and he couldn't help us if we had questions with our homework, my mom would have to figure it out when she got home. The arguing never really stopped. It wasn't as long since my dad couldn't keeps his thoughts straight for any length of time. This continued throughout the winter.

My parents were seeing a counselor and my dad was told that he was being overdosed on his medication. The doctor weaned him off of one of the meds and he was able to function again and not feel like a zombie. He started acting a bit more like his normal self. That meant he wanted to go back to where we moved from and fix vehicles and go back to the way everything used to be. He was able to argue again... 

I remember having a conversation with my friend about how we could never imagine our parents getting divorced even though my parents were very much on the verge. I was in denial of the unhealthy relationship before my eyes. I still thought that they would be able to love each other again. My siblings seemed to be adjusting to our new home and life. They were finding their own friends too. Granted my youngest sister was only six so making friends was fairly easy for her.
Springtime brought a whole new set of changes to our family.

A New Life

Being home-schooled my whole life, I had some doubts on ability to meet new people and fit in with the crowd. I wore hand-me-down clothes, limited exposure to popular media, and father suffering from a nervous break down and depression. Not a whole lot of positives on my side. I decided to keep a journal during this time but I only wrote about 3 entries (I thought it was dumb haha). We started attending church so I was able to meet people my own age. I went to youth group; man was I ever nervous the first night I went. Blue was my favourite colour and most of my wardrobe consisted of varying shades and patterns so I opted for my one coral shirt and black pants to wear. There was one girl who instantly befriended me since she was on the fringe of the group too. I enjoyed my night and my entire family came to pick me up, walking the dog.
I think I had hoped that we could start a new life there and that my parents' problems would disappear since they were living together again. I had hope.

Childhood Fleeting Pt.3

My dad was beginning to break down. He was stressed and not eating because he never felt hungry. He always had a problem with being a light sleeper so he wasn't sleeping much either. He was withering away before our eyes. He tried to keep up with our daily life but everything was overwhelming. We would go to my grandma's for meals because somedays that was too much planning for him. I remember the day his mind basically shorted-out. He was scolding my brother for something and all of the sudden he started stuttering and his voice was high-pitched. He was crying. I don't remember exactly what happened after that. I know we went out for Chinese food and I had to order since he couldn't talk properly and the people knew him (we were regulars) and would have asked questions. He came to rely on me more than before. I stopped swimming lessons because he said that he didn't want me to get too far ahead of my siblings but really it was so that I could help grocery shopping and laundry, etc. The worst day for me was when he asked me to quit piano lessons. We were both crying. Keeping to scheduled events was never his forte and being stressed the way he was made it an impossible task. I was so angry at him because piano was the one thing that I had to interact with other people, it was fun and it was mine. He called my piano teacher and told her we were cancelling lessons for the year, his voice cracking. He loved hearing me play piano and I knew that he didn't want to take it away from me. I guess I would have been 12 at this point. I didn't have anyone to talk to besides my grandma. I suppose I talked to my mom a bit but not much since most of our phone calls were on speaker phone. My grandma was very sad and did her best to take care of us all. I don't know what my mom's side was during this time, I was only getting my dad's version. My mom thought my dad was hurting us and that he was incapable of caring for us. He never hurt us and he was coping the best he could. We weren't little kids anymore, but I wasn't allowed to babysit my siblings.
Finally my mom took a month off from work to take care of us and my dad checked himself into the mental hospital. He needed rest, he needed help. My mom planned on moving us closer to where she was working so she was looking for places for us to live along with trying to take care of my dad. Life was spinning faster and faster around us and we just hoped it would all work out. Before we knew it, we were packing up our belongings and leaving the only home I had known. I knew we were never coming back even though my mom tried to appease my dad saying that we could come back on the weekends and blah blah blah. We moved in December. My dad was over medicated (we found that out later on) and not the man he was, only a shell. We continued with home-schooling despite my mom complaining that we were not keeping up with our public school peers. My parents were seeking counselling for their marriage but my dad didn't like most of the counsellors (he didn't like to be told that he was wrong).
I was in a new town, far away from my grandma (my best friend) and still having most of the same roles since my dad wasn't functioning at full capacity and my mom had a full time job.

Childhood Fleeting Pt.2

My mom worked away from us for about 2 years. My parents argued every weekend that she was home.  Hours and hours were spent with my dad yelling at my mom and my mom stubbornly ignoring him. She knew how to push his buttons and vice versa. I don't remember what they fought about, I was trying to keep my siblings away from them and go outside. Sometime that wasn't possible so we would hear everything. Sometimes they would fight about arguing in front of us, oh the irony. There were about 2 times that are burned into my memory though forever. One occasion, my mom was being irrational and just freaking out. She was yelling at me to go call the cops which would have meant leaving our acreage (we didn't live there) and running down the road to a neighbour's house. I didn't listen to her, instead I did as my dad said and took my siblings in the house and kept them entertained and away from the windows. My dad managed to calm my mom down. She said he was keeping us from her even though he was with her outside and we had gone into the house alone. Keep in mind, this is how I remember the incident and I may not have the full story.
The second time things escalated was a night we were at home. I only remember bits and pieces of the night, good ol' repression. My parents were all out screaming at each other and it didn't matter that we were right there. We were all crying. My mom didn't seem like herself in the least, she seemed to have blacked out with rage. Her eyes didn't make normal eye contact, it was distant and blank. My dad seemed to be the more rational person and he was trying to talk her back. My mom refused to hear any of it. My brother was crying in the bedroom and stuttering, telling my mom to stop. My mom ran to him and my dad tried to stop her but she just threw him off and kept going. She wiped out on a garbage bag full of clothes by the bedroom door when she tried to round the corner. She biffed it good and screamed. She had bruised her leg and wrist (she bruises like a peach to begin with) and screamed that my dad did that to her. He was no where near her but she screamed that's what she would tell people and had the bruises to prove it. My dad was freaking out, he knew that it would be his word against hers. I don't remember anything else from that night.
I cried every weekend that my mom left along with my youngest sister. I always thought about hiding on the car floor since my mom left in the wee hours of the morning when it was still dark and then popping up once she got to the city and staying with her for the week. I never tried it.
My dad would tell me about their relationship and repeat things she had said to him. He was treating me like a friend rather than his child. He admitted that he was putting too much on me yet he didn't stop. He was losing all that he thought he had...

Childhood Fleeting

My parents were not rich, we actually lived very close to the poverty line but we always had enough. My dad fixed our vehicles and my parents were frugal shoppers. They gave us as many experiences as they could. My siblings and I went to summer camp every year, we went camping as a family, we had bikes to ride, books to read, etc. We were frequent users of the library. We had a lot of spare time with home-schooling since homework was, well just work. I would read until my eyes hurt. I read mysteries, historical fiction and Calvin and Hobbes. I could zone out completely and get lost in the story. I read so much, I would delay my chores. I would have books taken away because I wouldn't do what I was told haha. My parents didn't let us watch very much TV, we were allowed an hour a day. Being at my grandma's for the day meant we got away with watching a little but more. She would cover for us if my dad came to pick us up and the TV was on. We were supposed to watch educational shows which meant a lot of Discovery Channel and nature shows.

After my mom finished her diploma, she had to find a job. Unfortunately there weren't any jobs that paid well enough to support a family of 6 (my dad was still finishing his Grade 12). So my parents decided that she would have to find work in a city 3.5 hrs away. This was not an easy choice to make. I remember the day she got a job offer and my parents were discussing it and told us the plan. I'm pretty sure I cried and that my mom had tears in her eyes because she had already spent a year away from her children. She was able to rent a room in the from her old high school best friend. She came home on the weekends. I cried every Sunday night when she left. We called her nearly every night on the phone. After all of us kids had a turn to talk, my dad would take the phone to his room and talk to her. He would often end up yelling. We didn't know what was wrong but my dad soon told us. He didn't like her  friend, first off her friend was not a Christian, her friend was single, my mom didn't find a church to attend, he didn't know what she was doing there. Basically, he was paranoid. His wife was in a big city alone with her best friend so who knows what kinds of shenanigans they could be getting up to. I learned later on that my dad was controlling and he didn't like that he was losing his control over my mom.

Once Upon a Time... I was born

     So I was born in the springtime when May flowers were coming up. I've been told that a few days later, it snowed. Go figure. My brother and sisters soon followed me into this world and that is when things got interesting. My siblings and I had a fairly decent relationship with our parents; they were firm, even strict at times but always loving. They were always there if we needed a hug or a tickle.
My parents home-schooled us because they didn't want to make us ride the bus for over 2 hours everyday; we lived in right on the border of two school districts and either direction had a long bus ride.  My dad wanted to teach us life skills like taking care of the house and shopping for groceries. We had our school work to do first of course. We learned our math and English and science just like everyone else. We learned how to work independently. We were in swimming lessons with fellow home-schoolers and my sister and I took piano lessons. My parents loved to entertain friends; I remember many games of Scrabble being played at the dining room table and the laughter throughout the house. In my little head, everything was wonderful. I had no idea that beneath the exterior of our happy family, a tiny black hole was on the verge of swallowing up life as I knew it.
   I suppose the when I noticed something wasn't quite right was when my parents went back to school. My dad needed to finish his high school in adult education and my mom needed to finish her accounting clerk diploma (she became pregnant with me while she was in her course). My grandma babysat us during this time while my dad was at school and my mom was living in a different city to finish her course. We only got to see her on the weekends for that year. That was pretty hard, my youngest sister was only 3 yrs old at the time. During this time, I became more responsible for helping take care of my siblings. It was my job to make sure all of our schoolwork was packed to take to grandma's, that my youngest sister had her toys and Pull-Ups packed and that we all had our winter clothes dried and ready to wear. I was about 8 or 9 yrs old at the time; just old enough to take on more responsibilities but not really old enough to be like another parent. Of course I just saw it as something that I had to do and I didn't see myself as another parent but rather a responsible older sister.

Just the beginning

Welcome to my blog.
I plan on writing about my life but I think there is a lot of back story to cover before I can talk about where I am at now.
First off, yes the things I will be writing about are true. Secondly, I will share some poems I wrote during high school that represented how I was feeling so please do not copy them and claim them as your own. Plagiarism is not cool.
I'm not trying to have a pity-party about my life, I just want to share it with others and possibly show that they are not alone in what they are going through either.
I will add posts as time permits.
Thanks for checking this out.