A new chapter..

Grade 10 was my favourite year of high school. I felt like I was fitting in at school, I had friends, I was working out issues that I had with my dad. I was opening up to people about my home life more and I liked it. Opening up still scared the crap out of me but I felt like I was better understood by others with the explanations. I absolutely loved my English/Social teacher because he knew that I was a dedicated student so I wouldn't have to do complete study guides or summaries. He was easy-going and encouraged me with my poetry writing. I did all of my assignments with enthusiasm and felt like everything was easy to do. My dad still tried come visit occasionally but I avoided him. His visits resulted in an argument between my mom and I. He had come to the house without her permission and she had come home from to overhear him calling her a witch to my brother. That was the last straw for her. The next day she was talking about it and I tried to defend my dad and say that he was right based on the things he said. She was hurt by this and didn't know how to respond. I had never confronted her like that before. She asked if I needed/wanted to talk to a counselor and I said no. I was absolutely stunned at what had unfolded. She called the school to say I would not be coming that day because I told her I couldn't go. I walked to the church but the youth pastor wasn't there yet. So I went to my friend's house because I remember her mom saying that she would be home that day. I will call her Mom #2 because well, that's what she calls herself to me. A week previous to this explosion at my mom, I had sat down and told Mom #2 everything about my family life because I just felt like I needed another adult whom I trusted to know. She was amazed since I was her daughter's friend and I hadn't mentioned anything previously. Anyways back to that day. Mom #2 opened the door and I just hugged her and cried on her shoulder. We stood in the open doorway in October for a good 5 minutes before I calmed down a bit and stepped inside. She got a box of Kleenex for me and we sat on the couch cuddling as I told her the whole story. I was so sad for hurting my mom like that since she was the parent I was living with and because I didn't think she was as terrible as my dad made her out to be. I was exhausted... I napped and ran errands with Mom #2 that day. I was a very mopey looking zombie. We went to the pastor and talked to him, I cried some more. After school, we went and got my homework and all the teachers knew something was wrong but they didn't want to ask too many questions. I remember my science teacher asking why I didn't finish the assignment that was due and I said I couldn't do it and he asked why not. I gave him such a death glare that he snapped his jaw shut and gave me the other hand-outs and said I could hand it in the next day. I went home and got some clothes and stayed the night at Mom #2's house. I felt like I couldn't be at home. I was too ashamed.

another school year

     In Grade 9, I had figured out the school system and what was expected on assignments. I volunteered to be the room rep for SRC, I joined yearbook committee, I was the library book sign-out person for the class when we were in there. I was a part of the drama club and was in charge of tickets sales and what ever else needed to be done. I felt ready to tackle anything but not really. I was trying to hide from myself by staying busy. I was working on my Gr 6 piano and corresponding theory. I also decided to taking Accounting 10 by distance education. I was doing very well in my classes and that helped my confidence but still made me worry because I wasn't exactly sure how I was achieving the grades.
     I went to Winnipeg with my camp friend to visit our mutual friend for Thanksgiving. My dad was not happy that I chose a long weekend that I could spend with him to go spend time with my friends. I caught a ride with my friend's aunt and had a great weekend. We went shopping, walked along the river, goofed around and watched movies. We even went dancing to a drop-in dance class that my friend's older brother attended. He was very good looking and a great dancer. I danced a tango with him and I was absolutely giddy. There was an older man who was very sweaty that I had to dance with at one point but I was glad that the song ended quickly. We watched Edward Scissors Hands and made jokes about candy names sounding sexual. I enjoyed myself other than being stressed that my dad was not happy and would be lecturing my siblings about it. And I felt bad that my grandma wasn't getting to see me either.
    In the spring I attended a computer science seminar for young women in Waterloo and I was interviewed by the local newspaper for earning the bursary to attend. I was a bit nervous since I had never flown before or travelled without my parents. Travel went smoothly and I even the couple sitting beside me ask if I was on a business trip. I explained that I was in Grade 9 and attending this seminar and they were surprised at how young I was because I carried myself very maturely. I had a great time at the seminar. I made a lot of friends and had a ton of experiences like attending a Shakespeare play in Stratford. I couldn't believe that I was only there a week. When I came back, I caught up on my school work like sewing in home ec. I remember catching up on my social homework and telling my teacher that the assignment was stupid and he just laughed and somewhat agreed. But he flipped out when my classmate said the same thing. I had earned/ demanded his respect I suppose. He was an odd man. I was still moody some days and still spent a lot of time talking to my youth pastor. I would still listen on the phone when my dad called; I can't say I talked because he did all of the talking. I would be fuming and just stay silent because I knew I would snap back with smart remarks if I opened my mouth.

Summer

That summer I went to camp at SABC like I had every year since I was 8 years old. My dearest friend was there like always and it was the only time of year we saw each other. My grandma dropped me off at camp and my dad was to bring my luggage or something like that... I just remember not having my luggage the first night... Anyhow, my dad came to bring my stuff and he wanted me to leave the camp because he didn't like that they were telling him he couldn't be hanging around. I told him I was staying and I walked away to the dorm so he couldn't follow me and let the staff deal with him. I felt bad but there was no way I was giving up my one week at camp just because he didn't like the people and such. I think he still tried to come visit a couple of times but I avoided him and would only talk to him right when he was forced to leave. I enjoyed the company of old friends and made some new ones. We had some crazy antics like playing Spoons in the middle of the night or getting mice out the trap. There were some emotional times too because the camp pastor knew what was going on with my family life and he would ask about it. I still didn't talk about it with many people. I recall having times where I wanted to be alone which was difficult in a dorm full of bunk beds. I'm guessing I went camping with my mom at some point during the summer. I can't figure out what else happened; memories are patchy.

Keep on truckin'

The year continued on in a bit of blur... I remember Christmas being tough with both sides of the family not yet deciding how to treat each other with the break down of my parents' marriage. We moved into our house in December and my mom let my dad come be a part of that but he didn't treat her very well. He tried to rehash arguments and so it got the point where he wasn't allowed at the house anymore. My sister was starting to struggle with school and it was partly due to the turmoil of her emotions and home life. She was considered to young to have a voice or an opinion. Having a quiet disposition did not help argue against this thought.  I was fitting in at school and doing well in my classes. I remember my mom trying to let my dad visit a few more times throughout the winter. My school life was a welcome escape. I started to participate in extra curricular activities like drama. I was coming out of my shell little by little. I spent a lot of time hanging out at the church after school with the youth pastor and talking. I cried a lot. I didn't like anyone else to know how I was feeling so I faked a smile and laughed as much as I could force myself. There were somedays where I would just have to hide and sit brooding in a corner. Phone calls with my dad would evoke these mood swings. The next memories I have are of the summer I suppose...

Dusting myself off

My mom tried to let my dad come visit us but he would end up yelling at her and she wouldn't stand for that. So we didn't see him that often. Life was developing a new pattern and I didn't mind. I started piano lessons once more adding to my sense of normalcy and relaxation. I didn't join any clubs at school because I was too shy and uncomfortable with the whole idea. My day consisted of going to school and going home to watch my younger sisters. Sometimes I would go to a friend's house if my brother was going to be home. I was making a few friends in my class but more in the grade below me. I soon realized that this was a bit of a social faux-pas but I continued nonetheless. I never told anyone what was going on at home because my dad had drilled the mantra of "family problems don't need to go outside of the family circle" ever so deeply into my mind. I think that I thought that no one would be able to understand the situation and would judge us.

I can't remember much else about the autumn of that year. I'm pretty sure that I was very cold towards my dad when we went to visit him. I would glare and cry and say basically nothing at all. My brother did the same because I was the oldest after all. My dad could hardly handle a visit because he was very depressed and still recovering from his nervous break down. He could have a conversation for about 20 minutes and then he was mentally exhausted. Everything had to be spelled out with lots of detail in order for him to follow the story. A very frustrating undertaking indeed so I would just wait it out until he had to go lie down for awhile.

First day of school

My siblings and I had never been a part of the public school, not even pre-school or kindergarten as some home-schoolers had done. I was super excited; I had only read in fictional books what school would be like. I was nervous and shy. I knew a few people in my class from youth group but of course they ignored for the most part since I was the new kid and they all had their friends. My clingy friend was in my class and I was happy for that. I made friends pretty quick though. I remember sitting down to homeroom and the person behind me introduced herself and said we should decorate my binders because they were pretty plain (being brand-spanking new). One of the biggest adjustments for me was figuring what the teachers expected for homework assignments. I went overboard when answering questions, I would write paragraphs when a sentence was all that was needed. I struggled at keeping up when copying notes off of the board because I was used to having all the time I wanted to write slowly and neatly. I think it was during the first week of school, I got the dreaded call down to the counsellor's office during class. I was panicked; I thought my mom had set up the appointment since she was worried about how we were coping with the separation and starting school. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on at home and the thought that a stranger knew was enough to make me want to puke. I went to the counsellor's office and it turned out that she just wanted to chat since I was a new student (it was a very small school). I told her everything was fine and I don't believe I told her anything about my family life. I was excelling in my classes despite my mom's doubts that our home-schooling was effective and comparable to our grade level. I was even a little bit ahead in math and that made me feel really good. I did not understand the concept of marking and grades haha. I was on the honour roll even though I had no idea what that meant even when my teacher tried to explain it to me. I liked being in a place with people my own age to interact with and to escape from my family life for just a few hours.

And the tug-of-war continues

My siblings tried telling my mom that they had wanted to spend time with my dad and that he didn't virtually kidnap them. My mom was on high alert though and would not listen to anything my siblings said. There are two times in particular that my mom had gone to take back my siblings and neither time was I present. So I am a bit shaky on the details or which event happened first, each event has been retold to me though many times. I think this particular time was when my mom brought her sister with her to my grandma's house where my dad was living. My siblings were just watching TV with my dad but my mom tried to drag them off the couch and tell them they had to go with her. My siblings said they wanted to stay but she wouldn't have any of it. Her sister stayed outside the house and was yelling at my dad and my grandma was distraught, wringing her hands because they were having a scene all over her yard for the neighbours to see. My mom's sister called the cops too. My mom dried to drive away my dad's car. When the cops arrived, they said my mom and aunt were the ones in the wrong for trespassing or something. I believe my siblings went with my mom. I don't agree with what my mom did but I was also didn't like what my dad either. I chose at the time to take my mom's side because, well, I was living with her and I didn't want to be on her bad side.
I had another set of adjustments on the horizon with the school year fast approaching.